It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
