Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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