fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
