If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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