FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
