I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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