Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
