Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
