I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
