i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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