i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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