sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
