I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
