I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I will be naked everywhere
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
