Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's never too late to be topless.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
