Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
