I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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