my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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