Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
