You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
