my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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