The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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