Screwed.edu
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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