in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
