Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Soap is not a condiment
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
