shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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