Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you had me at cake vodka
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
