If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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