Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
