At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i came on her dog
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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