I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
