Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Let's get the cat blown out
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
