I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
