I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Come share oat with me in your robe
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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