Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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