let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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