So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
