i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
