Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
