I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
