I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
