Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
