Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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