is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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