everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
