Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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