i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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