Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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