Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
