my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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