Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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