textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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