just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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