my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
