i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize