He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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