Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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