1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
