If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
