Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
