I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
