the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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