I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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